Forgot

The newest tattoo is looking beautiful...healing very nicely. When I switched to Curel instead of Lubriderm, it started looking much better. It's sad but I already have the next ink projects planned out. Someone stop me.

Much Better

Doing much better after the initial shock of the missing/dead father drama...it's not anything I want to talk about or can really explain, just know it's there and bothering me.Work sucks. Class sucks. My dirty apartment sucks. But at least the fruit flies are gone. Perhaps I shoudl take out the garbage and do some dishes. I have to make it decent before company arrives for the weekend.

All about the Scorpio

One of my girlfriends emailed me some Scorpio descriptions over the weekend. I always knew I was a dead on Scorpio, but this is too much... :)This is the sign of extremes. Scorpio people are variously described as powerful, weak, independent, clinging, passionate, and cold. Clearly, you are a bundle of contradictions encompassing the best and worst in human nature. The key to your personality is intensity. Magnetic, emotional, capable of exerting tremendous force, your strength is hidden in the depths. In the sign of Scorpio the element of water is fixed, and image that suggests an iceberg or a bottomless well. You may appear impassive, sometimes unapproachable, but turbulent passions are always rolling underneath, invisible on the surface. You need a positive avenue of expression - in career or love or creative achievement - or your feelings turn inward, become imprisoned, at times even destructive. More than natives of any other sign, Scorpios live at a high pitch of emotion. Its negative aspects are brooding, jealousy, resentment, even vengefulness. The positive aspect is your unswerving dedication once your emotions are engaged. The Scorpio energy, drive and endurance are legendary. Above all you seek you give your life a meaningful pattern, to find a deeper purpose. You have a philosophical turn of mind and may become interested in religion and the occult. Your sixth sense enables you to intuit things before they happen. You are blessed with a native understanding of the human heart and a great awareness of life's secrets. All the water signs (Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces) tend to be psychic, but Scorpios delve into the powers of the mind that others are afraid of. This is the Zodiacal sign of birth, sex, death and regeneration - areas of human existence in which a person confronts the mysteries of the universe. Many Scorpio natives are brilliant doctors, surgeons, scientists, and spiritual leaders. The complexity of your mind makes it difficult for you to skim the surface; you must uncover what lies beneath. Whenever you are studying a new subject, learning a language, hunting down a fact, or just reading for amusement, there is a quality of penetration in the way your mind works. Your relationships are usually complicated. This is not surprising when you consider that you can be simultaneously generous and affectionate, violent and unpredictable. In your sunniest moods there is always a hint of an imminent change in the weather. You are also deeply loyal to friends but are also intensely jealous and possessive. You cannot tolerate the thought that anyone you love might have a yearning or even a simple yen for anyone else. With you, it is usually all or nothing. Moderation and emotional restraint are not in your emotional vocabulary. You never forget a kindness and try to repay it handsomely. Conversely, you never forgive an injury and will wait for years to get even. In fact, most of the time getting even isn't enough - you want vengeance. It is strictly not advisable to do harm to any Scorpio. You may make a dangerous enemy, for you are as subtle and as deadly as the symbol of your sign. You are a fierce competitor, though often you manage to conceal this from others. You file away pieces of information, facts, names and don't hesitate to use what you know if the occasion arises. When you spot a weakness in a rival you move in quickly for the kill. You are adaptable, able quickly to change your formidable energies into new paths and to embark on an entirely different career. Confronted with disaster, you will try to turn it into success. Practical and shrewd, you believe in tangible immediate goals, and your single-minded concentration on getting what you want is formidable. Clever with money, conservative about spending, you have an excellent chance to amass wealth. In business, you tend to accomplish things first and announce then second. By the time an opponent is aware of your progress, it is a fait accompli. Your nature makes you subject to obsessive drive, which can be resistant to reason. You will dominate and control anyone who lets you. Suspicious and wary, you are reluctant to trust your heart to anyone, but once you do, you love deeply. Too many astrologers, in describing the sign of Scorpio, forget to emphasize how loving, generous, kind, loyal even gentle a Scorpio can be. Many idealists who adhere to high principles and have a great positive force for helping others are born under this sign. What all Scorpios have in common is intensity of feeling. Emotion not only rules, it characterizes you. You are passionate in love, and passionate about everything in which you become involved. You are an individual painted in vivid colors; There is not such thing as a pastel Scorpio.Here's some more... The Sign of the Inspector. Passionate, Determined, Energetic. Color: Dark Red. Scorpions like to study what makes people tick. Their goal is to unravel the deepest mysteries of the unconscious, to challenge any possible fears, and finally to make their actions correspond perfectly with their feelings. As the sign of death and regeneration, Scorpios can destroy and create with the same intensity of passion. In this vibration all reality- even death- is felt and accepted unblinkingly. It is almost as if Scorpio natives have decided to live with an intensity based on the knowledge that any moment might be their last. Scorpios have a firm sense of determination that often turns into a form of devotion to whatever it is they need to do to get what they desire. Scorpios know what they want and they have the courage, willpower, and drive to get it, or the pride, self-control, and stubbornness to live without it. In fact, Scorpio is the sign in which self-control is most intense. No other vibration is as relentlessly committed to facing reality, no matter how gloomy that reality might be. Secretive, extremely intense are seldom soft-hearted or overly sentimental, they feel that life is a difficult game in which they have to hang tough in order to win. But that doesn't mean its natives are devoid of compassion, Scorpios are intuitive and inspirational, and very protective of people to whom they are attached. Few parents are more devoted to their children than Scorpio parents. Scorpios are very dependable and are very prone to live up to any commitments that are honestly made. Scorpios have a great deal of animal magnetism. People are drawn to them. They are the most sexually secure of all the signs.More yet... IMAGE: An enigmatic and powerful presence. Has self-assurance, a keen, analytical gaze and succinct, forthright opinions. Often disconcerting but never dull. PERSONALITY AT BEST: Undaunted, indomitable, trenchant, trustworthy, vigilant, instinctual, resilient, wholehearted, resourceful, invigorating, accomplished, heroic. PERSONALITY AT WORST: Implacable, vindictive, intolerant, fanatical, resentful, suspicious, acrimonious, unreasonable, intractable, jealous, taciturn, tempestuous. LIKES: Art, poetry, music. Home, company, the good life. Respect, power and redress for injury. Facing challenges, finding solutions, keeping active, and winning. DISLIKES: Personal questions, curbs and confines. Betrayal, indolence, half measures and trivia. Mediocrity and lack of control. Shallow, dishonest or weak characters. IN LOVE: Torrid, responsive and very committed, loving with heart and soul, strength and compassion. But moods and unspoken feelings can cause misunderstandings. MOTTO: STILL WATERS RUN DEEP.And even more...Occasionally one sees instances where this process of Scorpionic "tailspinning" plummets the individual so deeply that it gives rise to its exact opposite, with what might be called the "Phoenix effect." Here, the individual hits rock bottom only to rebound from the ashes totally transformed, in a way that other signs may not experience as a result of being more even-keeled in temperament. Despite its admitted efficacy, most of us would no doubt opt for more judicious and incremental methods of personal growth.

I think many peop...

I think many people cried and cried when they heard this song. It played at the end of the ER episode when Dr. Green died. It's a medley of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" and "What A Wonderful World". It's sung by ISRAEL "IZ" KAMAKAWIWO`OLE and I plan to have it played at my funeral when I die. The lyrics are timeless and the melody brings tears to my eys every time I hear it.Ooo oooooo oooooo oooo ooo ooo oooOoooo oooooo ooooooOoo ooo oooOoo ooo oooSomewhere, over the rainbow, way up high,And the dreams that you dreamed of, Once in a lullaby.Oh, somewhere over the rainbow, blue birds fly,And the dreams that you dreamed of, Dreams really do come true.Someday, I'll wish upon a star,Wake up where the clouds are far behind me.Where trouble melts like lemon drops,High above the chimney top,That's where you'll find me.Oh, somewhere, over the rainbow, bluebirds fly,And the dreams that you dare to. Oh why, oh why can't I?Well, I see trees of green and red roses too,I'll watch them bloom for me and you.And I think to myself: What a wonderful world! Well, I see skies of blue and I see clouds of white,And the brightness of day.I like the dark and I think to myself:What a wonderful world!The colors of the rainbow, so pretty in the sky,Are also on the faces of people passing by.I see friends shaking hands, saying, "How do you do?"They're really saying, " I...I love you!"I hear babies cry, and I watch them grow,They'll learn much more than we'll know.And I think to myself: What a wonderful world!Someday, I'll wish upon a star,Wake up where the clouds are far behind me.Where trouble melts like lemon drops,High above the chimney top,That's where you'll find me.Oh, somewhere, over the rainbow, way up high.And the dreams that you dare to, Oh why, oh why can't I?Ooooo oooooo ooooooOoooo oooooo ooooooOoo ah, ah, ah... eh ah ah, eh ah ah ah ah...

I wouldn...

I wouldn't be explaining my soul if I didn't include my two favorite U2 songs. I first heard "With or Without You" in 1993 at Jody Sheldon's birthday party on Ham Hill in Centralia, Washington. Her dad was playing the guitar and we had been playing outside. After a while, we all came inside and turned on the CD player. He big sister put this on and we were dancing in a circle playing "keep the balloon in the air" while we listened to the song over and over over on repeat. It was beautiful. "Where the Streets Have No Name" has been one of my favorite songs since I first purchased Joshua Tree in 1995, but it really spoke to my heart at the U2 concert in Minneapolis in 2001. It was a few days before my wedding and I was in a very strange place emotionally and spiritually. The lights were dim and the opening strains started playing and gradually got louder and louder. The lights got brighter and brighter until the whole Target Center was bathed in yellow golden light. All at once, I saw my life stretching out before me and behind me and I just cried and cried because I was so happy.Where the Steets Have No NameI want to runI want to hideI want to tear down the wallsThat hold me insideI want to reach outAnd touch the flameWhere the streets have no nameI want to feel sunlight on my faceI see the dust cloud disappear Without a traceI want to take shelter from the poison rainWhere the streets have no nameWhere the streets have no nameWhere the streets have no nameWe're still building Then burning down loveBurning down loveAnd when I go thereI go there with youIt's all I can doThe city's afloodAnd our love turns to rustWe're beaten and blown by the windTrampled in dustI'll show you a placeHigh on a desert plainWhere the streets have no nameWhere the streets have no nameWhere the streets have no nameWe're still buildingThen burning down loveBurning down loveAnd when I go thereI go there with youIt's all I can doOur love turns to rustWe're beaten and blown by the windBlown by the windOh, and I see loveSee our love turn to rustWe're beaten and blown by the windBlown by the windOh, when I go thereI go there with youIt's all I can doWith or Without YouSee the stone set in your eyesSee the thorn twist in your sideI wait for youSleight of hand and twist of fateOn a bed of nails she makes me waitAnd I wait without youWith or without youWith or without youThrough the storm we reach the shoreYou give it all but I want moreAnd I'm waiting for youWith or without youWith or without youI can't liveWith or without youAnd you give yourself awayAnd you give yourself awayAnd you giveAnd you giveAnd you give yourself awayMy hands are tiedMy body bruised, she's got me withNothing to win andNothing left to loseAnd you give yourself awayAnd you give yourself awayAnd you giveAnd you giveAnd you give yourself awayWith or without youWith or without youI can't liveWith or without youWith or without youWith or without youI can't liveWith or without youWith or without you

I first heard thi...

I first heard this song in January when I got the album "Come Away With Me" by Jones. This is my favorite track from the CD and is one of my fave songs of all time. It sums up how I feel about first loves.Shoot the MoonNorah JonesThe summer days are gone too soonYou shoot the moonAnd miss completelyAnd now you're left to face the gloomThe empty room that once smelled sweetlyOf all the flowers you plucked if onlyYou knew the reasonWhy you had to each be lonelyWas it just the season?Now the fall is here againYou can't begin to give inIt's all overWhen the snows come rolling throughYou're rolling too with some new loverWill you think of times you've told meThat you knew the reasonWhy we had to each be lonelyIt was just the season

VANESSA WILL...

VANESSA WILLIAMS What Will I Tell My HeartI'll try to explain to friends, dearThe reasons we two are apartI know what to tell our friends, dearBut what can I tell my heartIt's easy to say to strangersThat we played the game from the startIt's easy to lie to strangersBut why tell a lie to your heartWhen I smile to hide all the tears insideWhat an ache it will be bringThen I'll wander home to a telephoneThat forgot how to ringI could say you'll soon be back, dearTo fool the whole town may be smartI'll tell them you'll soon be back, dearBut what can I tell my heartWhen I smile to hide all the tears insideWhat an ache it will be bringThen I'll wander home to a telephoneThat forgot how to ringI could say you'll soon be back, dearTo fool the whole town may be smartI'll tell them you'll soon be back, dearBut what can I tell my heartOh, what will I tell my heartWritten by Tinturin/Gordon/Lawrence

I was...

I was in junior high, seventh grade. One of the first CD's I ever bought. Mellon Collie remains one of my top ten favorite albums to this day.Thirty ThreeSmashing PumpkinsSpeak to me in a language I can hearHumour me before I have to goDeep in thought I forgive everyoneAs the cluttered streets greet me once againI know I can't be late, supper's waiting on the tableTomorrow's just an excuse awaySo I pull my collar up and face the cold, on my ownThe earth laughs beneath my heavy feetAt the blasphemy in my old jangly walkSteeple guide me to my heart and homeThe sun is out and up and down againI know I'll make it, love can last foreverGraceful swans of never topple to the earthAnd you can make it last, forever youYou can make it last, forever youAnd for a moment I lose myselfWrapped up in the pleasures of the worldI've journeyed here and there and back againBut in the same old haunts I still find my friendsMysteries not ready to revealSympathies I'm ready to returnI'll make the effort, love can last foreverGraceful swans of never topple to the earthTomorrow's just an excuseAnd you can make it last, forever youYou can make it last, forever you

I was four the...

I was four the first time I remember hearing this song. My mom and I were sitting in the garage at the house in Winlock. It was raining and she had the windshield wipers on, but since we had pulled into the garage, they were squeeking. My mom sang along with the music and I remember feeling a tightness in my throat, because the words were so beautiful. I think the Dixie Chicks did a beautiful job on the remake last year.LandslideStevie Nicks, 1975I took my love, I took it downClimbed a mountain and I turned aroundI saw my reflection in the snow covered hills'Till the landslide brought me downOh, mirror in the skyWhat is loveCan the child within my heart rise aboveCan I sail through the changing ocean tidesCan I handle the seasons of my lifeWell, I've been afraid of changing'Cause I've built my life around youBut time makes you get bolderEven children get olderAnd I'm getting older tooOh, take my love, take it downClimb a mountain and turn aroundIf you see my reflection in the snow covered hillsWell the landslide will bring it downIf you see my reflection in the snow covered hillsWell the landslide will bring it down.

Not Orginal

I am simply not original enough to think of my own things to say today, so I am posting some of my favorite song lyrics. Sort of to soothe myself, sort of to let the world know how I feel.The first time this song spoke to me, I was in foster care in Redmond, Washington. I was sitting alone in my bedroom on cheap blue polyester sheets. I was wearing my favorite t-shirt, a Gumby ringer tee, cut off shorts and Birks. It was wretchedly hot out and I had been busted for shoplifting the day before. My mom and dad had both given up entirely on me, and I was in a pretty low place for a 14 year old.Santa MonicaEverclearI am still livin' with your ghostLonely and dreamin' of the west coastI don't wanna be your downtimeI don't wanna be your stupid gameWith my big black boots and an old suitcaseI do believe I'll find myself a new placeI don't wanna be the bad guyI don't wanna do your sleepwalk dance anymoreI just wanna see some palm treesI will try and shake away this diseaseWe can live beside the oceanLeave the fire behindSwim out past the breakersWatch the world dieWe can live beside the oceanLeave the fire behindSwim out past the breakersWatch the world dieI am still dreamin' of your faceHungry and hollow for all the things you took awayI don't wanna be your good timeI don't wanna be your fallback crutch anymoreWalk right out into a brand new dayInsane and risin' in my own weird wayI don't wanna be the bad guyI don't wanna do your sleepwalk dance anymoreI just wanna feel some sunshineI just wanna find some place to be aloneYeah watch the world die

How I Feel Today

Seven Nation ArmyWhite StripesI'm gonna fight em' off.A seven nation army couldn't hold me back.They're gonna rip it off.Takin' their time right behind my back.And I'm talkin to myself at night, bcause I cant forget.Back and forth through my mind behind a cigaretteAnd a message come from my eyes, says leave it alone.Dont wanna hear about it.Every single ones got a story to tell.Everyone knows about it.From the Queen of England to the hounds of hell.And if I catch you comin back my way, I'm gonna serve it to you.And that aiin't what you want to hear, but thats what I'll do.And a feelin' comin from my bones, says find a home.Im goin' to Witchita.Far from this opera forever more.Im gonna work the straw.Make the sweat drip out of every pore.And I'm bleedin' and I'm bleedin' and I'm bleedin' right before my lord.All the words are gonna bleed from me, and I will think no more.And the stains comin from my blood, tell me go back home

Daniel Leeland Mattson

Why is there so much blood, she asks me. Why is the pale pink dream now scarred with death? How could he do this? How could he plunge the knife so many times? Where is Daddy’s little girl now? Somebody please tell me why he killed himself…Make the pain go away, right after you find my black dress and a plane ticket so I can mourn the shell of a human being who once so proudly called himself my father._____________________Smoke Gets In Your Eyes, PlattersThey asked me how I knew my true love was trueI of course replied "something here inside cannot be denied"They said "someday you'll find all who love are blind"When your heart's on fire, you must realize smoke gets in your eyesSo I chaffed them and I gaily laughed to think they could doubt my loveYet today my love has flown away, I am without my loveNow laughing friends deride tears I cannot hideSo I smile and say "when a lovely flame dies, smoke gets in your eyes"Smoke gets in your eyesSmoke gets in your eyesSmoke-gets-in-your-EYES_______________________Daddy’s Little GirlShe sits so quietly, the fervor of her mind quiet for once.She knows that she was never guaranteed tomorrowBut it hurts so much anyway.A piano plays upstairs, it’s playing our song, Daddy.The smoke got in my eyes and I can’t see where you are.I remember the first time you held me close andSaid I was your princess, your princess forever.And now my crown is tarnished.Did you know that I don’t even have a single picture with you?The white Grecian dress you bought me is stained with blood The blood is from the second time I tried to kill myself.You finished the job for real, Daddy.How can I learn to find myself in this lifeWhen my mother is Pandora in the fleshAnd my precious, precious Daddy is dead?I know that I was never promised tomorrowBut I was promised everything else.

None

arrowheadsthunderbellieslightening flashesbodies dancingblack sky, black heartlove only lost is my talentalong with tongue and tips of teeth

None

arrowheadsthunderbellieslightening flashesbodies dancingblack sky, black heartlove only lost is my talentalong with tongue and tips of teeth

Last night

I was drunk and hostile. This morning I am hungover and hostile. Not sure which is more lethal. My ink is awesome, but I am sick as hell. Not going to work today! Whee! And I just did a very ballsey thing...asked my hot mechanic to go to the White Stripes concert with me. Later on, I am going to write about free will and choices and how it all adds up and what to do when you hate yourself.

Revision

No, really, I actually wish you the best. In kind of a mean spirited way.

Wish

I wish every needle piercing my skin had been a splinter of heartache driving slowly under your skin.

Tattoos

I am about to go get my second and third tattoos...I am pretty excited. I am getting a rising sun on my upper mid back and a spattering of stars across my right foot for sure, and maybe my left. I haven't decided yet. I would post the name of the place, but I am not sure if that is spamming or not, so I will behave. _________________________________________________________________________i closed my eyes for just a moment and i saw your face above mine. i smelled vanilla and the thought of all your pasts made me want to retch. i wanted to scream and kick and cry at the injustice of your love for others and i wondered, why am i not good enough? i smile and smell nice and i never raped you. i touched your soul so gingerly and prayed to the heavens and buddha for you to come around in time, but that train left the station, headed the other direction. i pulled out of your driveway and drove off down the street and hopefully, maybe, on with my life. but then i agreed with myself to see you again and i think, why, why, why? why do i sacrifice flowers for ashes and why do i accept less than perfection when i deserve nothing less? the phone rang, then, and i had to open my eyes. i busied myself with other things but still your memory crept in. i think of hardwood floors, adventuring and all the things that might have been and i ask myself, why do i have to put you in the same basket as the others? why weren't you different? why do you refuse to let me in? am i referring to you sea farer, or you street farer? which of you is my mind really playing over and over again? whoever you are, wherever i go, i will certainly always hold home baked goods in my heart because of my memories with you. there, you, that. my eyes fluttered shut for a moment and once again, your grinning face was displayed on the silver screen of my mind. damn you, damn what you represent. i want to wear black in mourning for your lost affection, for your roving eyes, for everyone else's fucking superiority. i try not to get mad, but you wasted my time and you know how much that appalls me. it was wasted time, just like a supernova. all that flame, all that beauty, all the rampant creation running loose and free in the black wilderness, WASTED because i was not what you wanted. in one thousand years, they will not even remember you or me or the supernova of june because the beauty of a single rosewater raindrop caught in the camera's lens will capture their attention instead. i hope you find contentment, my friend, my distraction, and i wish you all the best. all the best that a simple mixed drink that makes you vomit in the rain has to offer. hopefully soon, i will have the courage to set myself free from your casual causality and your trickery and your inability to get it up when i want it and your oh-so-subtle attempts at sabotage.

One

Opening the door to the future, whichNever looks as bright once you are there,Even with 100 watt bulbs.

I feel so f...

I feel so frustrated I could scream. I want, I want I want. I am not the one, I was the one, but now I am not. I wish you were the one. He's the one and he doesn't even know it. Someone else probably thinks I think he is the one, but he's wrong. Someone who used to be the one still wants to be the one but will never be the one again. Wouldn't it be better if the one were a she? How can I not be anyone's one? I have been someone's one continuously for the last five years and now that's gone. What is all this "one" business and why am I obsessed with it? I want to be the one, and I want to be the one, right now. I want nothing left to be desired. I want nothing left undone, or unsaid. I want it all, simply put. I want to be the morning sun and the first star. The last wish made, and every wish fulfilled. I only want total and complete perfection, of myself and everyone else around me. I want to be citrus and vanilla perfection to him, to him, to her, and to myself. I want time, more time, out of life. I want to squeeze every drop of life from the day but I sit and stare at the seconds whiling away. I want my first love back, I want the second love gone, I want the third love gone and dead and I haven't decided what I want done with the fourth love. Should I stay or should I go? The decision isn't mine unfortunately. My inspiration is gone, my muse has quit and the empress of creative energy has declared war on me. I am stuck in a place of complacency and stagnation. I am a figure of convenience for too many people, not one of love, passion or inspiration - what I am KNOWN for being. My best friends all confuse the you know what out of me and I simply hate this state. I can smell my activities of the morning on me and it’s making me batty because it wasn't good. For the first time ever, it was a waste of my time and energy to drive to St. Louis Park, shave my legs, get my hair all did….. It wasn't even good! It wasn't even good! Let me explain the deep disappointment this has brought me. The one person whom I could count on it always being good, on always inspiring me to try new things, feel good, etc, failed me today. Ack!does the pain of all the people you have loved and moved on from ever leave? or do you wake up every day and remember the smiles, the glances, the shared moments and wish for them to come back? Do you think about white cars and walks around the lake and rain on the window and borrowed razors and prom dresses and trips to the zoo and lunch break loving and always wish for pieces of that to come back? I don't know if I want to love anyone anymore, ever. Because each moment, each memory was special. Each day was a gift, every second was worth the pain and I want more time. More time to relive the days, to make better choices, to treat everyone better. Do you think about coffee in the middle of the night and foreign language endearments and skipping class, and notes in class, and anticipation forever? What about when you know it will never work out but you want a second chance anyway? How do you deal with the disappointment of knowing that it's doomed? Or that you aren’t right for that person, would only cause them pain, and they would only cause you pain, but you want it anyway? They say it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all…I think it's true, really I do. But it wouldn’t be pain if I didn't question it, would it? I have to question because I am the Searcher and it is my destiny on this trip around to look for what I am looking for. What I am looking for?

I feel so f...

I feel so frustrated I could scream. I want, I want I want. I am not the one, I was the one, but now I am not. I wish you were the one. He's the one and he doesn't even know it. Someone else probably thinks I think he is the one, but he's wrong. Someone who used to be the one still wants to be the one but will never be the one again. Wouldn't it be better if the one were a she? How can I not be anyone's one? I have been someone's one continuously for the last five years and now that's gone. What is all this "one" business and why am I obsessed with it? I want to be the one, and I want to be the one, right now. I want nothing left to be desired. I want nothing left undone, or unsaid. I want it all, simply put. I want to be the morning sun and the first star. The last wish made, and every wish fulfilled. I only want total and complete perfection, of myself and everyone else around me. I want to be citrus and vanilla perfection to him, to him, to her, and to myself. I want time, more time, out of life. I want to squeeze every drop of life from the day but I sit and stare at the seconds whiling away. I want my first love back, I want the second love gone, I want the third love gone and dead and I haven't decided what I want done with the fourth love. Should I stay or should I go? The decision isn't mine unfortunately. My inspiration is gone, my muse has quit and the empress of creative energy has declared war on me. I am stuck in a place of complacency and stagnation. I am a figure of convenience for too many people, not one of love, passion or inspiration - what I am KNOWN for being. My best friends all confuse the you know what out of me and I simply hate this state. I can smell my activities of the morning on me and it’s making me batty because it wasn't good. For the first time ever, it was a waste of my time and energy to drive to St. Louis Park, shave my legs, get my hair all did….. It wasn't even good! It wasn't even good! Let me explain the deep disappointment this has brought me. The one person whom I could count on it always being good, on always inspiring me to try new things, feel good, etc, failed me today. Ack!does the pain of all the people you have loved and moved on from ever leave? or do you wake up every day and remember the smiles, the glances, the shared moments and wish for them to come back? Do you think about white cars and walks around the lake and rain on the window and borrowed razors and prom dresses and trips to the zoo and lunch break loving and always wish for pieces of that to come back? I don't know if I want to love anyone anymore, ever. Because each moment, each memory was special. Each day was a gift, every second was worth the pain and I want more time. More time to relive the days, to make better choices, to treat everyone better. Do you think about coffee in the middle of the night and foreign language endearments and skipping class, and notes in class, and anticipation forever? What about when you know it will never work out but you want a second chance anyway? How do you deal with the disappointment of knowing that it's doomed? Or that you aren’t right for that person, would only cause them pain, and they would only cause you pain, but you want it anyway? They say it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all…I think it's true, really I do. But it wouldn’t be pain if I didn't question it, would it? I have to question because I am the Searcher and it is my destiny on this trip around to look for what I am looking for. What I am looking for?

I feel so f...

I feel so frustrated I could scream. I want, I want I want. I am not the one, I was the one, but now I am not. I wish you were the one. He's the one and he doesn't even know it. Someone else probably thinks I think he is the one, but he's wrong. Someone who used to be the one still wants to be the one but will never be the one again. Wouldn't it be better if the one were a she? How can I not be anyone's one? I have been someone's one continuously for the last five years and now that's gone. What is all this "one" business and why am I obsessed with it? I want to be the one, and I want to be the one, right now. I want nothing left to be desired. I want nothing left undone, or unsaid. I want it all, simply put. I want to be the morning sun and the first star. The last wish made, and every wish fulfilled. I only want total and complete perfection, of myself and everyone else around me. I want to be citrus and vanilla perfection to him, to him, to her, and to myself. I want time, more time, out of life. I want to squeeze every drop of life from the day but I sit and stare at the seconds whiling away. I want my first love back, I want the second love gone, I want the third love gone and dead and I haven't decided what I want done with the fourth love. Should I stay or should I go? The decision isn't mine unfortunately. My inspiration is gone, my muse has quit and the empress of creative energy has declared war on me. I am stuck in a place of complacency and stagnation. I am a figure of convenience for too many people, not one of love, passion or inspiration - what I am KNOWN for being. My best friends all confuse the you know what out of me and I simply hate this state. I can smell my activities of the morning on me and it’s making me batty because it wasn't good. For the first time ever, it was a waste of my time and energy to drive to St. Louis Park, shave my legs, get my hair all did….. It wasn't even good! It wasn't even good! Let me explain the deep disappointment this has brought me. The one person whom I could count on it always being good, on always inspiring me to try new things, feel good, etc, failed me today. Ack!does the pain of all the people you have loved and moved on from ever leave? or do you wake up every day and remember the smiles, the glances, the shared moments and wish for them to come back? Do you think about white cars and walks around the lake and rain on the window and borrowed razors and prom dresses and trips to the zoo and lunch break loving and always wish for pieces of that to come back? I don't know if I want to love anyone anymore, ever. Because each moment, each memory was special. Each day was a gift, every second was worth the pain and I want more time. More time to relive the days, to make better choices, to treat everyone better. Do you think about coffee in the middle of the night and foreign language endearments and skipping class, and notes in class, and anticipation forever? What about when you know it will never work out but you want a second chance anyway? How do you deal with the disappointment of knowing that it's doomed? Or that you aren’t right for that person, would only cause them pain, and they would only cause you pain, but you want it anyway? They say it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all…I think it's true, really I do. But it wouldn’t be pain if I didn't question it, would it? I have to question because I am the Searcher and it is my destiny on this trip around to look for what I am looking for. What I am looking for?

Really, this is just a test.

I am just feeling out the site, trying to see what an entry will look like. Forgive my curiosity.