None

arrowheadsthunderbellieslightening flashesbodies dancingblack sky, black heartlove only lost is my talentalong with tongue and tips of teeth

None

arrowheadsthunderbellieslightening flashesbodies dancingblack sky, black heartlove only lost is my talentalong with tongue and tips of teeth

Last night

I was drunk and hostile. This morning I am hungover and hostile. Not sure which is more lethal. My ink is awesome, but I am sick as hell. Not going to work today! Whee! And I just did a very ballsey thing...asked my hot mechanic to go to the White Stripes concert with me. Later on, I am going to write about free will and choices and how it all adds up and what to do when you hate yourself.

Revision

No, really, I actually wish you the best. In kind of a mean spirited way.

Wish

I wish every needle piercing my skin had been a splinter of heartache driving slowly under your skin.

Tattoos

I am about to go get my second and third tattoos...I am pretty excited. I am getting a rising sun on my upper mid back and a spattering of stars across my right foot for sure, and maybe my left. I haven't decided yet. I would post the name of the place, but I am not sure if that is spamming or not, so I will behave. _________________________________________________________________________i closed my eyes for just a moment and i saw your face above mine. i smelled vanilla and the thought of all your pasts made me want to retch. i wanted to scream and kick and cry at the injustice of your love for others and i wondered, why am i not good enough? i smile and smell nice and i never raped you. i touched your soul so gingerly and prayed to the heavens and buddha for you to come around in time, but that train left the station, headed the other direction. i pulled out of your driveway and drove off down the street and hopefully, maybe, on with my life. but then i agreed with myself to see you again and i think, why, why, why? why do i sacrifice flowers for ashes and why do i accept less than perfection when i deserve nothing less? the phone rang, then, and i had to open my eyes. i busied myself with other things but still your memory crept in. i think of hardwood floors, adventuring and all the things that might have been and i ask myself, why do i have to put you in the same basket as the others? why weren't you different? why do you refuse to let me in? am i referring to you sea farer, or you street farer? which of you is my mind really playing over and over again? whoever you are, wherever i go, i will certainly always hold home baked goods in my heart because of my memories with you. there, you, that. my eyes fluttered shut for a moment and once again, your grinning face was displayed on the silver screen of my mind. damn you, damn what you represent. i want to wear black in mourning for your lost affection, for your roving eyes, for everyone else's fucking superiority. i try not to get mad, but you wasted my time and you know how much that appalls me. it was wasted time, just like a supernova. all that flame, all that beauty, all the rampant creation running loose and free in the black wilderness, WASTED because i was not what you wanted. in one thousand years, they will not even remember you or me or the supernova of june because the beauty of a single rosewater raindrop caught in the camera's lens will capture their attention instead. i hope you find contentment, my friend, my distraction, and i wish you all the best. all the best that a simple mixed drink that makes you vomit in the rain has to offer. hopefully soon, i will have the courage to set myself free from your casual causality and your trickery and your inability to get it up when i want it and your oh-so-subtle attempts at sabotage.

One

Opening the door to the future, whichNever looks as bright once you are there,Even with 100 watt bulbs.

I feel so f...

I feel so frustrated I could scream. I want, I want I want. I am not the one, I was the one, but now I am not. I wish you were the one. He's the one and he doesn't even know it. Someone else probably thinks I think he is the one, but he's wrong. Someone who used to be the one still wants to be the one but will never be the one again. Wouldn't it be better if the one were a she? How can I not be anyone's one? I have been someone's one continuously for the last five years and now that's gone. What is all this "one" business and why am I obsessed with it? I want to be the one, and I want to be the one, right now. I want nothing left to be desired. I want nothing left undone, or unsaid. I want it all, simply put. I want to be the morning sun and the first star. The last wish made, and every wish fulfilled. I only want total and complete perfection, of myself and everyone else around me. I want to be citrus and vanilla perfection to him, to him, to her, and to myself. I want time, more time, out of life. I want to squeeze every drop of life from the day but I sit and stare at the seconds whiling away. I want my first love back, I want the second love gone, I want the third love gone and dead and I haven't decided what I want done with the fourth love. Should I stay or should I go? The decision isn't mine unfortunately. My inspiration is gone, my muse has quit and the empress of creative energy has declared war on me. I am stuck in a place of complacency and stagnation. I am a figure of convenience for too many people, not one of love, passion or inspiration - what I am KNOWN for being. My best friends all confuse the you know what out of me and I simply hate this state. I can smell my activities of the morning on me and it’s making me batty because it wasn't good. For the first time ever, it was a waste of my time and energy to drive to St. Louis Park, shave my legs, get my hair all did….. It wasn't even good! It wasn't even good! Let me explain the deep disappointment this has brought me. The one person whom I could count on it always being good, on always inspiring me to try new things, feel good, etc, failed me today. Ack!does the pain of all the people you have loved and moved on from ever leave? or do you wake up every day and remember the smiles, the glances, the shared moments and wish for them to come back? Do you think about white cars and walks around the lake and rain on the window and borrowed razors and prom dresses and trips to the zoo and lunch break loving and always wish for pieces of that to come back? I don't know if I want to love anyone anymore, ever. Because each moment, each memory was special. Each day was a gift, every second was worth the pain and I want more time. More time to relive the days, to make better choices, to treat everyone better. Do you think about coffee in the middle of the night and foreign language endearments and skipping class, and notes in class, and anticipation forever? What about when you know it will never work out but you want a second chance anyway? How do you deal with the disappointment of knowing that it's doomed? Or that you aren’t right for that person, would only cause them pain, and they would only cause you pain, but you want it anyway? They say it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all…I think it's true, really I do. But it wouldn’t be pain if I didn't question it, would it? I have to question because I am the Searcher and it is my destiny on this trip around to look for what I am looking for. What I am looking for?

I feel so f...

I feel so frustrated I could scream. I want, I want I want. I am not the one, I was the one, but now I am not. I wish you were the one. He's the one and he doesn't even know it. Someone else probably thinks I think he is the one, but he's wrong. Someone who used to be the one still wants to be the one but will never be the one again. Wouldn't it be better if the one were a she? How can I not be anyone's one? I have been someone's one continuously for the last five years and now that's gone. What is all this "one" business and why am I obsessed with it? I want to be the one, and I want to be the one, right now. I want nothing left to be desired. I want nothing left undone, or unsaid. I want it all, simply put. I want to be the morning sun and the first star. The last wish made, and every wish fulfilled. I only want total and complete perfection, of myself and everyone else around me. I want to be citrus and vanilla perfection to him, to him, to her, and to myself. I want time, more time, out of life. I want to squeeze every drop of life from the day but I sit and stare at the seconds whiling away. I want my first love back, I want the second love gone, I want the third love gone and dead and I haven't decided what I want done with the fourth love. Should I stay or should I go? The decision isn't mine unfortunately. My inspiration is gone, my muse has quit and the empress of creative energy has declared war on me. I am stuck in a place of complacency and stagnation. I am a figure of convenience for too many people, not one of love, passion or inspiration - what I am KNOWN for being. My best friends all confuse the you know what out of me and I simply hate this state. I can smell my activities of the morning on me and it’s making me batty because it wasn't good. For the first time ever, it was a waste of my time and energy to drive to St. Louis Park, shave my legs, get my hair all did….. It wasn't even good! It wasn't even good! Let me explain the deep disappointment this has brought me. The one person whom I could count on it always being good, on always inspiring me to try new things, feel good, etc, failed me today. Ack!does the pain of all the people you have loved and moved on from ever leave? or do you wake up every day and remember the smiles, the glances, the shared moments and wish for them to come back? Do you think about white cars and walks around the lake and rain on the window and borrowed razors and prom dresses and trips to the zoo and lunch break loving and always wish for pieces of that to come back? I don't know if I want to love anyone anymore, ever. Because each moment, each memory was special. Each day was a gift, every second was worth the pain and I want more time. More time to relive the days, to make better choices, to treat everyone better. Do you think about coffee in the middle of the night and foreign language endearments and skipping class, and notes in class, and anticipation forever? What about when you know it will never work out but you want a second chance anyway? How do you deal with the disappointment of knowing that it's doomed? Or that you aren’t right for that person, would only cause them pain, and they would only cause you pain, but you want it anyway? They say it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all…I think it's true, really I do. But it wouldn’t be pain if I didn't question it, would it? I have to question because I am the Searcher and it is my destiny on this trip around to look for what I am looking for. What I am looking for?

I feel so f...

I feel so frustrated I could scream. I want, I want I want. I am not the one, I was the one, but now I am not. I wish you were the one. He's the one and he doesn't even know it. Someone else probably thinks I think he is the one, but he's wrong. Someone who used to be the one still wants to be the one but will never be the one again. Wouldn't it be better if the one were a she? How can I not be anyone's one? I have been someone's one continuously for the last five years and now that's gone. What is all this "one" business and why am I obsessed with it? I want to be the one, and I want to be the one, right now. I want nothing left to be desired. I want nothing left undone, or unsaid. I want it all, simply put. I want to be the morning sun and the first star. The last wish made, and every wish fulfilled. I only want total and complete perfection, of myself and everyone else around me. I want to be citrus and vanilla perfection to him, to him, to her, and to myself. I want time, more time, out of life. I want to squeeze every drop of life from the day but I sit and stare at the seconds whiling away. I want my first love back, I want the second love gone, I want the third love gone and dead and I haven't decided what I want done with the fourth love. Should I stay or should I go? The decision isn't mine unfortunately. My inspiration is gone, my muse has quit and the empress of creative energy has declared war on me. I am stuck in a place of complacency and stagnation. I am a figure of convenience for too many people, not one of love, passion or inspiration - what I am KNOWN for being. My best friends all confuse the you know what out of me and I simply hate this state. I can smell my activities of the morning on me and it’s making me batty because it wasn't good. For the first time ever, it was a waste of my time and energy to drive to St. Louis Park, shave my legs, get my hair all did….. It wasn't even good! It wasn't even good! Let me explain the deep disappointment this has brought me. The one person whom I could count on it always being good, on always inspiring me to try new things, feel good, etc, failed me today. Ack!does the pain of all the people you have loved and moved on from ever leave? or do you wake up every day and remember the smiles, the glances, the shared moments and wish for them to come back? Do you think about white cars and walks around the lake and rain on the window and borrowed razors and prom dresses and trips to the zoo and lunch break loving and always wish for pieces of that to come back? I don't know if I want to love anyone anymore, ever. Because each moment, each memory was special. Each day was a gift, every second was worth the pain and I want more time. More time to relive the days, to make better choices, to treat everyone better. Do you think about coffee in the middle of the night and foreign language endearments and skipping class, and notes in class, and anticipation forever? What about when you know it will never work out but you want a second chance anyway? How do you deal with the disappointment of knowing that it's doomed? Or that you aren’t right for that person, would only cause them pain, and they would only cause you pain, but you want it anyway? They say it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all…I think it's true, really I do. But it wouldn’t be pain if I didn't question it, would it? I have to question because I am the Searcher and it is my destiny on this trip around to look for what I am looking for. What I am looking for?