I feel so f...

I feel so frustrated I could scream. I want, I want I want. I am not the one, I was the one, but now I am not. I wish you were the one. He's the one and he doesn't even know it. Someone else probably thinks I think he is the one, but he's wrong. Someone who used to be the one still wants to be the one but will never be the one again. Wouldn't it be better if the one were a she? How can I not be anyone's one? I have been someone's one continuously for the last five years and now that's gone. What is all this "one" business and why am I obsessed with it? I want to be the one, and I want to be the one, right now. I want nothing left to be desired. I want nothing left undone, or unsaid. I want it all, simply put. I want to be the morning sun and the first star. The last wish made, and every wish fulfilled. I only want total and complete perfection, of myself and everyone else around me. I want to be citrus and vanilla perfection to him, to him, to her, and to myself. I want time, more time, out of life. I want to squeeze every drop of life from the day but I sit and stare at the seconds whiling away. I want my first love back, I want the second love gone, I want the third love gone and dead and I haven't decided what I want done with the fourth love. Should I stay or should I go? The decision isn't mine unfortunately. My inspiration is gone, my muse has quit and the empress of creative energy has declared war on me. I am stuck in a place of complacency and stagnation. I am a figure of convenience for too many people, not one of love, passion or inspiration - what I am KNOWN for being. My best friends all confuse the you know what out of me and I simply hate this state. I can smell my activities of the morning on me and it’s making me batty because it wasn't good. For the first time ever, it was a waste of my time and energy to drive to St. Louis Park, shave my legs, get my hair all did….. It wasn't even good! It wasn't even good! Let me explain the deep disappointment this has brought me. The one person whom I could count on it always being good, on always inspiring me to try new things, feel good, etc, failed me today. Ack!does the pain of all the people you have loved and moved on from ever leave? or do you wake up every day and remember the smiles, the glances, the shared moments and wish for them to come back? Do you think about white cars and walks around the lake and rain on the window and borrowed razors and prom dresses and trips to the zoo and lunch break loving and always wish for pieces of that to come back? I don't know if I want to love anyone anymore, ever. Because each moment, each memory was special. Each day was a gift, every second was worth the pain and I want more time. More time to relive the days, to make better choices, to treat everyone better. Do you think about coffee in the middle of the night and foreign language endearments and skipping class, and notes in class, and anticipation forever? What about when you know it will never work out but you want a second chance anyway? How do you deal with the disappointment of knowing that it's doomed? Or that you aren’t right for that person, would only cause them pain, and they would only cause you pain, but you want it anyway? They say it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all…I think it's true, really I do. But it wouldn’t be pain if I didn't question it, would it? I have to question because I am the Searcher and it is my destiny on this trip around to look for what I am looking for. What I am looking for?